Heather's Free Tatting Patterns

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Friday, April 1, 2011

more loss

Well today is 1 month, 1 week, and 1 day since I lost my baby. The emptiness in my heart is sometimes unbearable. I keep wanting to know what it was? Why it happened? Who would they have been? Would this child have had green eyes and red hair like mommy or like their brother and sister blue eyes and dirty blonde hair? I know I am making myself crazy with these thoughts but I guess its my way of dealing. I miss my baby so much.

On March 15 about 6:30 pm Davids mom passed away, I hate it, why so soon after we lost a baby did this happen? David is upset about his mom as we all are here, hubby told me I should just forget about the baby and think about his mom instead, that hurt. I keep trying to avoid my own feelings about the baby in front of him but when I am alone the emotions just pour out.

Sometimes I just want to get away for awhile just to be alone without any time limit. I just want to be alone for awhile. I am so thankful for Debbie for keeping me in check, she kept bugging me about our weekly meets finally after about a month I felt up to it, I was so glad I went I needed that and she was here the other day and taught me some new beaded things.

My mom and sister have been to visit me as well, it was nice.

On a good note I ended up losing 25 pounds since January, I just hope I can lose more and keep it off.

I really hope this is the last bad thing to happen this year so far has been hell on us all. I want a time machine to go back and switch everything around to make it all better but I cant.

I had been without internet for a few weeks because of the phone company screwing up AGAIN and AGAIN! I just got it back last evening and was so glad too!!

Today is Tat Day which I would have totally forgotten about if I werent online. I will try to tat today, my mood is proving to be crappy so far perhaps a little walk after my son goes to school is in order. It looks crappy out snow rain and ick AGAIN!

Ok enough of this update

5 comments:

Margarets designer cards said...

I am so sorry to hear about troubles, puts mine as nothing. I hope that you and husband can work through this sad time, My thoughts are with you.
I hope you can pick up your tatting and just have a play even if it does not make anything, it might give you something to take your mind off life.
Please take care I am sending you a big ((((((((((((HUG))))))))))))
Happy tatting day
Margaret

Miranda said...

I'm so sorry about your mother-in-law. It seems like everything is just getting piled on, doesn't it?

Of course you will never forget about the baby. You had already started to love him or her the moment you found out you were pregnant. You didn't get to form the same kind of relationship with this one that you have with your other kids, but in a way, that's got to hurt even more.

Congratulations on the weight loss-- but I hope it's because you're eating right, not because you're not eating. I do that sometimes when I'm upset.

Lady Euphoria Deathwatch said...

Hi Heather,

I am so sorry for your book end losses. I makes it all the harder to get through the first when the second wave hits.

All I can say is go with the scheduled grief. It can make life more manageable. I had a time each day to pour my heart out about the loss of my son then I went back out in the world and did my jobs as mother, wife, and employee.

Take a blank book and name it for your lost child and write into it everything you had wanted to tell them had they lived. It will be a place to put the love that has no home.

Help your husband with his grief over his mom. Men are not as strong as they would like to be at times like this. I know that sounds hard, but you need to take care of the living until a balance is met again. I've been there also.

Time. It keeps on moving and it does bring a peace with it once enough of it has accumulated.

Your loss will never go away, but you will learn to live with it as a companion through your life.

Hold on to what you know to be true. You are loved and can love others. That hurts some times, but mostly it is what fuels us.

Much Hugs, Euphoria

Imoshen said...

I'm feeling for you and all you have gone through these past weeks. I just wanted to say out loud, you are a wonderful parent. We'll wait patiently for you to find your center but until then, we'll keep your seat warm and your cup full for you. (hugs)

Lily said...

Sorry to hear of your losses. I too, lost 2 loved ones just in the last six months. It's hard, I know.

On the positive side, you still have 2 wonderful children, and a husband who need (and love) you. I'm sure it hurts them to still see mommy so sad.

Nothing can ever replace the loss of a child (or mother or father)! I always think to myself... life is but a vapor... it can end at any moment... Do I want to spend my life making others happy and help them? ABSOLUTELY!

Sometimes when words cannot be found, a smile can do so much more. A gentle touch can communicate a thousand words.

I hope that soon, you can find peace with your losses - and together as a family can heal and have a stronger bond.

Take care,